Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
