Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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