I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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