I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
