Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
