saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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