There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
