I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
