My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
