Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
