I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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