Sry I called you an 8
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
