My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
