god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
