I just made out with a guy for $7.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
