so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
