why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
