Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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