he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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