I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
