I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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