i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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