last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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