Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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