there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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