god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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