Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
