I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
