I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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