I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
