if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
