Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
