guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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