I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
