I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
