That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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