I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
