Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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