Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
