How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
