omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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