Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
