You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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