giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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