he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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