just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
