I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
