kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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