her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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