I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
