tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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