walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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